


So. Many. Pills.

by ShinyZorua



Category: Sanders Sides, Thomas Sanders, Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Crying, Fights, Fluff and Angst, Goodbyes, Heavy Angst, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Screaming, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, Swearing, but not really, did I say ANGST yet
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-03
Updated: 2018-03-18
Packaged: 2019-03-26 09:31:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 7,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13854981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShinyZorua/pseuds/ShinyZorua
Summary: Why is it so easy to do?That's what Virgil thought just mere moments away from doing something that would leave all of them badly broken.He discovers quickly that it is, if you have certain friends at your side, very hard to do.Thank God it is.





	1. Time To Say Goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> Be mindful when reading this. It's more of something I want to make to get it out of my system. I have been blessed enough to have never actually attempted to end it all, but I know some people who have. I know what drives people that way, and I could have fallen victim to it too. Guess I was just really lucky with that.

It wasn't like he was't grateful. It wasn't like he wasn't feeling at least a little bit listened to. It wasn't like he wanted to leave the others behind. 

He was scared. Depressed. Tired. So. Very. Tired. 

For some reason, he started getting back to his old self. Thinking even _more_ negatively, feeling like he didn't belong, pushing away from the others. There was no explanation to all of this. Not one he could find, at least. 

What would happen if Anxiety _really_ left them? Would it leave Thomas with the same - if not more - problems as he had while Virgil had ducked out? Or, maybe, his mind would find another way to work? 

I mean, this is the mind after all. Things change so many times, it's hard to catch up on it sometimes. But what if, _just if,_ the mind would look for another (and better) route? Get him a new Side? Maybe Caution or Nervousness, maybe a combination or both? 

Long story short, there was a chance. A chance that Thomas would still be perfectly fine without him. Maybe even be better. But, because he didn't want to make _too_ irrational decisions, he decided to get a _second opinion_ from a certain genius.

* * *

'What do you think would happen if one of us died?'

The question was so simple, so crystal clear, but it was still a fight of its own to get it out of his mouth. 

'Y-you mean, to Thomas?'

Logan seemed a bit startled by that question, not expecting something like that on a Tuesday morning. 

'Yea, you know, in case one of us... Got sick.'

The room was silent for a moment, the only noise being the coffee machine making Virgil's drink as he stood next to it.

'Well, if that would be possible, the chance is very high that the brain would adjust. Change its' patterns.'

Virgil's coffee was done, and he sat on the other side of the table, not daring to look in the teacher's eyes but instead focusing on the newspaper in Logan's hand. 

'Why did you ask?'

Virgil was afraid the question would come. He was already glad the others weren't here, but it was still terrifying to do.

'I just, want to make sure Thomas would be alright. I-I mean, it's not impossible that one of us would die, right?'

The other frowned and looked down, tearing his eyes away from the paper in the process. 

'No, it's not impossible. I don't think, at least. C-considering the evidence, there is a high probability that one of us, a Side, would be able to "die" in certain circumstances.' 

The logical Side looked him in the eyes. 

'Is the answer satisfactory?' ~~Oh God, why did he have a slightly pleading expression? And was there fear buried deep within? Virgil was too scared to see for sure.~~

Virgil absently nodded as he keps his eyes from looking at the other figure. He took a sip of his coffee. It definitely didn't taste any better than it normally did, and left a bitter taste in his mouth.

* * *

That evening, the four Sides were watching television together. Virgil on the ground in front of the couch, sitting on a pillow (which was Patton's suggestion) and the other three on the couch. Virgil was hugging his knees, not processing much. His mind was all foggy. This whole day, he couldn't think of anything else. When he ate, when he listened to his music, when he talked, when he prepared everything. Everything was fuzzy and the whole day went by way too quickly. But this moment would last. 3 cups of coffee (he couldn't take any more, Logan and Patton had said), a cup of hot chocolate and an energy bar were down in the last hour, as he hoped that maybe, just maybe, it would make him able to focus more.

He forgot about the television. He instead focused on everything he hadn't focused on enough. The faint smell of cookies that were on a plate on the coffee table, the warmth of the room that almost seemed to embrace him, the sounds of their breathing. The way Patton's feet re-arranged every 5 minutes because he couldn't sit still, or how Roman snickered after another dad joke from the father figure, or the content smile on Logan's face as they were watching a program about space. 

For the first time that day, Virgil let himself relax. There would be no more worries, no more problems, no more stress after tonight. He leaned back against Roman's legs (the royal didn't protest, there were so many stars on the screen!) and let out a breath.

* * *

Almost time. 

_No, don't think about that. Think about them now._

The program has ended, Logan turned off the television, Patton put the remains of the food they had stalled out back in the kitchen, and Roman put his hands on his sides. 

''T was a good day, was it not?' Roman said, directed to Virgil. He just hummed in approval, hoping it satisfied the royal. 

It did.

'Well, I'd better get back to my room. I'll see you tomorrow!' ~~_If only he knew._ ~~

He turned around but before he could walk away, Virgil had grabbed his arm. He wanted the moment to last a _little_ longer. To look at all of them one last time and remember them. The prince turned around, a tiny bit confused, and the other continued. 

'Thank you, R-Roman, for eve- I mean, for tonight.' The royal raised a brow but send him a friendly smile. He put his hand on Virgil's shoulder and squeezed it slightly. Virgil let go of Roman's arm, though hesitantly. Roman didn't see that.

'It was a pleasure,' the prince said as he made a small bow. 'Good night,' he said, and the other said the same thing. Roman smiled at Virgil once more and left to go to his room. 

A couple seconds later, Logan was about to say goodbye to them when Virgil, without thinking about it, took his hand and shook it. 'Good night,' he said, though a bit quieter. The teacher frowned but did not protest. 

'Good night, Virgil. Sleep well.' ~~_If only he knew._ ~~

They gave each other a smile and Logan left the room. Which left only Anxiety and Morality.

As the parental figure was about to say something, he noticed Virgil's stiff shoulders and lowered head. 

'Something bothering you, buddy?' ~~_If only he knew._ ~~

The other just shrugged. 'Nah, I just, wanted to ask you if, well...'

'It's okay kiddo, take your time,' the father figure softly spoke.

Virgil took a deep breath to steady himself.

'Can I have a hug?' 

Patton smiled softly, happy at the fact that _Virgil_ , the one who used to be so out of reached, asked for a hug. And how could he say no?

He spread his arms as if to invite Virgil, and the other slowly moved towards him. Virgil put his arms around the other's back, and when he felt the other hold him tightly, he did the same, burrying his face in the parental figure's shoulder.

The last hug, he thought, the last moment shared with them. 

It seemed to have been hours but it also flew by way too fast. As he pulled away, the other did too, and smiled once more. 'Feelin' better?' 

'Yes,' Virgil said, and he did his signature salute and went to his room.

He didn't know that Logan had seen him.


	2. The Light Behind Your Eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He tried, he failed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can listen to The Light Behind Your Eyes while reading this if you want to, but you really don't have to. It's just something I put on while writing to get the mood juuust right. Also, it makes for a sweet, sweet title.

A bottle of pills. A letter. Some water. That's all it took.

But somehow, it was hard. Getting the pills was easy, it was just in the cabinet in the kitchen. No, that was the easiest part. The part that hurt less. 

The letter. That was the hardest.

It had to be perfect. They shouldn't feel sad or guilty, because it wasn't their fault. But it also had to explain what _was_ , and that was the most tricky. Getting it _just_ right.

* * *

He stood there and looked.

A letter on the desk. A cup in his hand, and a bottle of water next to the letter. A shaky breath.

This was all it took. 

He had put the pills in a cup, and he saw how many there were. Well, of course there were a lot! It was a brand new bottle and it said on the bottle how many pills were in! 

But it was still overwhelming.

Was he really going to do it? 

Was he going to end everything here?

He looked in the cup. 

_I can do it_ , he thought to himself as he moved the cup towards his mouth. 

**SLAM**

A door burst open. Virgil jumped up and some of the pills fell out of the cup. It was only a few, but Virgil still made a noise that sounded like a whine. Not a second later, Virgil felt something holding his arm and the back of his head. The hand around his arm tightened more and more, until it hurt enough for Virgil to let go of, what he thought, for a minute or so, to be his most prized possesion. 

He groaned and heard the cup fall to the carpeted floor. A second later, he was laying on the ground, the right side of his face pushed against the carpet. There was a weight on him. A slightly shaking weight. 

For a moment, everything stood still.  
For a moment, everything was black. Had he closed his eyes, or did he actually hurt his head? 

It was quiet. He looked in front of him. Then he saw it. 

A hundred orange-brown tablets. 

So. Many. Pills. 

He screamed. 

Everything was too much for him. 

He was almost there! Who was keeping him down? Why didn't he just use something else?

But that pained, terrified scream changed into screams of anger. He was furious. 

He kicked and yelled, trying everything he could to escape from his captor. 

Nothing worked.

He started spewing insults.

"Let go of me, idiot!" "I hate you!" and things way worse were thrown around.

Footsteps. 

'What's going on?!'

Poor Roman. He had no idea what to think.

'Let go of him!' The prince said, but before he could even get close to the figure pinning Virgil to the ground, a loud "DON'T" echoed through the room from above Virgil. 

Virgil was silent. He looked directly at Roman. With a hundred pills right in front of his face. 

'What is...' Roman's voice was barely a whisper, but the words were clear as day. 

Virgil tried again to break free. Maybe his captor was too distracted now. He almost got one hand free. 

Roman was still looking at him. The water bottle on the desk. The empty bottle of Advil next to it, laying on its side. The letter, which was, besides the bottles, the only thing on the empty desk. The pills on the ground. 

So. Many. Pills. 

A scream erupted from the prince, just before they heard more footsteps and heavy breathing in the hallway. 'I-I'm coming, I'm coming!' 

Another figure entered the scene. Virgil paused his attempts to escape.

Patton was there, eyes wide, face red and breathing heavily. He had probably been looking everywhere and the sound of Roman's yell guided him this way.

He stood next to the prince in the doorway. 

Poor Patton. He had no idea what to say.

'What...' 

Roman looked next to him. He had put his hands in his hair before as he'd screamed, head down, but now they could see the panic and _pain_ in his eyes. 

Patton quickly grabbed his shoulder. Only then did Virgil realise that both Patton and Roman were wearing their pajamas. He must have woken them up.  
Where was Logan? 

Roman was shaking.

'P-Patton, I-I think h-he-' 

The parental figure looked around the room. 

Bottles, letter, everything. 

So. Many. Pills. 

'L-Logan, what is-' 

A deep, shuddering breath came from the figure pinning Virgil down.

Poor Logan. He had no idea what to do.

'H-He tried to...'

Virgil didn't want to hear it. 'Let me go, let me go!' 

He kept yelling while Roman started crying. The prince grabbed Patton's arm and moved him away from the room. A long moment later, a blood-curdling scream was heard. 

Crying. There was so much crying.

Virgil was silent.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll continue to write this and At a loss of words to type, don't worry. I just wanted to upload this already.


	3. Pieces

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Broken is an understatement.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I added some new tags for things that happen in this chapter but to make clear: 
> 
> -Some fighting (nothing too bad but I still want to warn anyone reading this)  
> -Crying  
> -Screaming  
> -Swearing
> 
> Extra inspiration for a couple of lines/what I listened to while writing this: Pieces by Red (such an incredible and powerful song)

Crying.

 

It was the only thing he heard for almost a minute.

 

He felt the grip on him lessening. He could escape. As quickly as he could, he wiggled his arm free and used it to crawl away. But he wouldn't go far.   
As he stood up, his arm was grabbed and twisted painfully, but not enough to harm him long-term.

 

He screamed. He kicked. He tried to get free, but nothing worked. Still, he would not give up.

 

After some time, his captor- well, Logan, gradually grew tired. If Virgil kept going on like this, there was a possibility that he could escape, and Logan didn't want to take that risk.

 

'Roman, Patton, I need assistance!'

 

Not three seconds later, Roman ran in with Patton close behind.

 

'We need to keep him down!' Logan said as he struggled more and more to keep Virgil from escaping. He even had to resort to kicking the back of his knee, getting him to almost lose his balance. Unfortunately, that hadn't worked out for him as Virgil was still standing. In the end, they were almost equally matches, with Logan's strategic actions that he had memorised and Virgil's strength.

 

'I don't need to be "kept down",' Virgil spat, 'You were the one attacking me '  
'And you know way too good why,' Logan said through gritted teeth while Roman and Patton weren't sure what to do. 

They were still crying.

 

Virgil pushed his elbow back and managed to land a hit in Logan's face. Luckely he had been able to put his glasses on Virgil's desk a minute ago.

Virgil didn't even realise that he was hitting Logan, one of his best friends. He was too angry and scared and confused and maybe, just maybe, a little bit ashamed.

Logan still held on to Virgil but there was a bruise now clearly forming on the left side of his jaw. Logan didn't have time to think about that though.

 

'Roman, take his left arm. I'll take right!'

 

While Virgil was still trying to get free, he suddenly felt another pair of hands around his left arm. Logan's hands now both moved to his right arm.   
Logan motioned something to Roman and in a couple seconds, Virgil was on the ground again.

 

'Patton, legs!' Logan ordered.

The parental figure did as he was told and reached for the legs of the still resisting man (although in this moment, he looked more like a terrified and confused teenager than anything).

 

But Virgil wouldn't give up. He kicked around and managed to hit Patton's hand once. After an "Ow!" from him, though, the father figure was only more determined to keep Virgil down.

 

When Virgil's legs could no longer kick everywhere, and his arms pinned to the ground, there was no way out of it. But, for some insane reason, (or maybe it was completely logical in this situation, no one knew,) Virgil kept going.

 

He started yelling again. Screaming. Shouting. Calling them things he never meant to say. His voice distorted. He shot glares at Roman and Logan that were so deadly, they'd be lying if they said they weren't scared. But, to be honest, who wouldn't be scared in such a situation?

 

He kept screaming. Roman didn't have time to wipe away fresh tears.

Patton's body was shaking with silent sobs.

And Logan?

 

He did everything in his power to try and comfort the others.

 

He tried shushing Virgil's screaming (to no avail), gave Roman understanding and sympathetic glanced and hummed a song to try and calm Patton. It helped. Slightly.

But inside of him, everything hurt. The bruises, not a problem. The insults, he just brushed it off.

 

What hurt so much was the screams. The desperate way the broken man spoke, even if he didn't know that it came across that way himself.   
Not like Virgil was really thinking at this moment.

 

Yes, the image of Virgil getting ready, and determined , to down the whole cup, that was very scary.

His raging expression as Logan tried to keep him down was downright terrifying .

 

But the screams.

 

Eventually, Virgil's throat grew hoarse. But that didn't stop him.

 

"I hate all of you," said with such animosity, it made Patton hold back a sob, earned a gasp from the already terrified Roman, and squeezed Logan's heart in a terrible way.

Later, he would have no idea why he said this.

* * *

38 minutes. They had been sitting here for 38 minutes. That's what Logan read from the clock on Virgil's nightstand, at least. Combine that with 2+ minutes of holding Virgil down on the ground before he got free, and at least 2 more before Roman and Patton assisted him, and that's 42+ minutes of torture.

For all of them.

 

The worst 42+ minutes of their lives.

 

But finally, finally, Virgil's energy was drained. He put his head down. Refused to look them in the eyes. Soft whimpers escaped him. Realisation struck down.

 

Finally.

 

Logan gave Roman and Patton a little nod and they picked Virgil up together. They tried looking if he could stand on his own.

 

He could, but he wouldn't.

His whole body was hanging limply and he didn't dare look at them. Head looking at the ground, focused on the remains of one of the pills. Hiding the tears that were slowly running down his cheeks.

Why bother trying to stand when you've already drowned in shame and sorrow?

 

And everything _HURT._

 

His arm from when Logan squeezed it to get rid of the cup.

His other arm when it was twisted so that Virgil couldn't run away.

His leg from when Logan tried to get him on the ground again.

His throat from all the shouting.

 

Everything hurt.

 

He was being dragged by his arms to the living room so that they could easily look after him, maybe even talk to him. Shame overtook him completely. But he couldn't think. Not clearly, at least.

 

The whole trip to the living room, none of them said anything. There were only sniffles from the other Sides.

 

_~~Oh, yes. Logan had started crying when he heard Virgil's whimpers. When he had accepted it and gave up. When all the power he once had, had seeped from him. When he looked like an antelope in the claws of three lions when it knew it was seconds away from death while it's life was drained. But that wasn't important. Not to him at least.~~_

 

And while they left the room, he would hear the crushing of the pills under their feet.

 

There were crushed pills everywhere.

So.

Many.

Pills.

* * *

Virgil was being lowered onto the sofa. As of instinct, he hunched up on himself while scrambling to hide in the corner of the sofa. He hid his face behind his legs, putting one arm around his legs to hide his face even more and leaving the other arm hanging down and leaning against the back of the sofa.

 

Quiet.

 

They were looking at him.

Maybe even expected him to say something.

 

'Leave me alone,' he managed to rasp out, his throat not working in his favour.

 

All of them had managed to wipe their tears away by then. They looked at each other.

They didn't know what to think.

Didn't know what to say.

Didn't know what to do.

 

Virgil felt a hand on his shoulder but lashed out at them. 'DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME!'

His voice was distorted again, and they were afraid he'd become violent again, even in his terrible state.

 

But he didn't.

 

He just stared at them.

 

 

A broken mess. Scattered pieces.

 

 

He looked hopeless.

 

 

He curled up on himself again. Didn't dare look at them.

 

The others shared a look. Logan took a deep breath.

'We're not leaving.'

 

The ball of sadness seemed to flinch. His breathing picked up.

 

Silence.

 

'It's broken,' the figure on the sofa managed to whisper, barely audible.

 

'What is broken?' Roman asked, his voice the softest it had ever been. He already feared the answer.

 

More silence.

 

'I-I am,' the shaky voice replied, even softer this time if that was even possible.

Even though the words were so soft, it seemed to echo through the room.

 

'Then we will make you whole again.'

Patton's voice, though still a bit shaky, was ferm. It was almost scary how much he meant it.

 

Virgil turned to look at him, lowkey terrified for a reason none of them, not even himself, could get behind.

 

He shook his head.  
No.  
Not real.   
Not happening.

All of this was some sort of dream.

No.   
He was dead.   
This was his punishment for his crimes.

Maybe he was in some sort of coma.

 

But he knew that it was real, no matter how much he tried to tell himself it's not.

 

His mind was fuzzy again. His shoulders dropped. His eyes became unfocussed as he stared in front of him, not really looking at anything.

All he could think about was that he fucked up. He fuck up so, so bad. Tears filled his eyes but he did not let them drop. 

_~~Better luck next time.~~_

 

The others noticed his change in behavour too.

Patton lowered his head and the others also looked away.

 

Finally, Patton spoke up again.

 

'You are never again even coming _close_ to the kitchen,' he said, and for once, his eyes were cold. Nothing was in there. Nothing they could see anyways.

A couple of seconds later, the father figure had left the scene.

 

Logan looked at the figure next to him and noticed the exhaustion and pain behind his eyes.

'Roman, take a shower. Take your time.' What he didn't say, but clearly meant, was "Don't rush it. You need to process everything that happened just now."

 

The prince's shoulders sagged but he didn't dare go against Logan's orders. And most definitely not after what he'd seen from Logan today.

He whispered a soft "Should I clean his room" but Logan insisted that he'd do it while Roman needed some time alone.

The prince left.

 

Logan moved his attention to Virgil, who had hidden his face in his legs again. It hurt Logan to see him like this, broken, shattered. They were all at least a little damaged by this. Or maybe a not so little bit.

 

'Get some rest. We'll talk afterwards.' His voice was stern, but the concern was clear.

 

Virgil didn't move. Didn't dare looking at Logan.

 

Logan did everything he could to keep it together. And somehow, miraculously, managed to.

'Sleep well,' he muttered before leaving to clean up Virgil's room, knowing that Virgil wouldn't try another stunt like that today now that the three Sides would watch out for him even more.

 

Ten seconds after he left the room, there was a deep and shuddering breath coming from the sofa.

 

Then it started.

 

 

A wail followed by sobs. Screams.

 

God, how much all of them wanted to help them. But they couldn't.

 

 

It took 12 minutes and 33 seconds for Virgil to fall asleep.

 

12 minutes and 33 minutes of his miserable, hopeless, lost screams, and the sobs that ran through his body like lightning, to stop.

 

Today they had the worst 54+ minutes and 33 seconds of their lives.


	4. It's killing me (Words)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some things may take some time to process. 
> 
> Some things, you need to just get out of your system.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Words" will be three short chapters (or at least they're supposed to be short idk I might suddenly make one very long I should not be trusted) about the others. This one is about Logan, then comes Roman's, and then Patton's.

The hallways were finally silent. 

No more screaming. 

No more crying. 

 

Logan was scooping up the last remains of the tablets and threw it in the trash can in Virgil's room. He'd clear the trash before the Side would enter it again. 

He looked at the clock and took notice of the time. 

 

4:31. 

 

He hadn't slept that night, knowing Virgil was going to do something but not having all the evidence to support it. So he'd waited. Looked through the keyhole when he heard the sound of tablets being poored in a cup. 

 

No, no thinking about that now. Focus on right now, not back when. 

 

Right. He was looking at the clock.

 

For a split second he thought that he might be able to get even a little bit sleep, but he knew that wouldn't happen. Not after all that had occured that day. 

He directed his attention towards the last pieces of the orange-brown nightma- tablets. The orange-brown tablets. 

The floor was clean now, he was sure. He had 12 minutes and 33 seconds to do that, anyway. 

 

He looked around. 

The bottle of Advil. 

He threw it in the trash can as hard as he could. 

He scanned the room again.

A piece of paper.

He already knew what it was. 

No way he was looking at it yet.

He took the paper and put it in his drawer. ~~Maybe another time.~~

 

As he went to check up on Virgil, he heard noises coming from the kitchen. It was Patton, and he was currently going through all the medicines in the cabinet. Logan stood next to him and could see that Patton was busy placing the medication in one of two plastic containers; one labeled "general use" and one with the heavier meds in them. 

'Do you need assistence,' the teacher asked as Patton frowned while reading one of the labels. The parent sighed and handed Logan the bottle.

 

While they were almost done, Patton seemed more and more tired. It was understandable, of course. It was already very late and all that happened the last hour or so must have really had a toll on Patton. 

'Are you alright,' he asked when the parent rubbed his eyes. 

'Of course I'm not,' he muttered, but Logan didn't hear it that well. 'Can you repeat that?'

 

'OF COURSE I'M NOT, _LOGAN,'_ he spat as he turned towards the other Side. 'I'm terrified! I'm confused! I just saw one of the most important people in my life trying to end it all!' He started moving his hands from left to right to emphasise his words. 'How could you even be so calm? You _do_ care about him, right?' His voice was angry, but there was a pleading undertone to it as he asked that last question.

 

Logan was baffled. ~~Scared.~~ He had never seen Patton act like this before, or anyone before today for that matter. 

But for some reason, something switched inside him after those words. 

 

'Of _course_ I care about him! How could you think I wouldn't? Do you really think I'd left him to swallow all those-' he'd managed to stop himself right then. He looked at the sleeping figure on the sofa.

 

Deep breaths, deep breaths.

 

'I was terrified,' he started calmly, his voice cold. 'I was so terrified at that moment. But I didn't have time to actually _be_ terrified.'

 

Deep breaths.

 

'I was the one who saw him holding that cup. I was the one who was almost too late. Only one moment later and he would have-' 

 

His breathing quivered.

 

Tears were rolling down his cheeks.

 

Patton immediately regretted everything he said. The soft and concerned eyes returned and he put down the bottle he'd forgotten he was still holding. 'I-I'm sorry, Lo, I didn't- I didn't mean it, I'm sorry, I didn't know you had to see that!'

 

The teacher tried his best to keep everything down, to stay calm, but it was hard. 

'I had to k-keep him down, I was so scared he'd pick up t-those-'

 

A hand took hold of his arm and directed them out of the kitchen and upstairs to the hallway (this was so that Virgil wouldn't wake up).

'P-Patton, what are-'

 

There were suddenly two arm around him, steady and reassuring. 

'It's okay, let it all out,' the parent whispered, and the dam broke. 

 

He told them everything he saw. 

Everything he had to do. 

Everything he heard Virgil say (even if they'd already heard it). 

An usually calm man, with his glasses now being removed by the other, sobbing and sniffing and reliving those terrible, terrible moments. 

Clinging to the other, who was trying his best to understand and soothe the weeping figure. 

 

That's how Roman found him, at least.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _~~It's so loud inside my head.~~ _


	5. It hurts so much (Words)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some things take time to process. 
> 
> Some things, you just need to let sink in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I threw a little bit of fluff in here because LogAN NEEDS A BREAK GUYS COME ON

A simple shower.

Just think about the warm water and relax.

 

If only he could.

The screams that echoed trough the halls were unbearable to listen to. He had closed all the doors and used the sound of the water falling down to block out the rest of the noises. 

 

The screaming had stopped. Roman was so, so glad it did.

 

As he walked out of his bathroom, wearing easy clothes - sweatpants and a t-shirt -, he took a moment to think. 

Think about what happened today. 

 

Virgil had tried to end his life.  
Logan stopped him.  
Virgil was angry, confused, etc.  
He was now on the couch, possibly (and hopefully) sleeping.  
Logan was cleaning his room and Patton was most likely taking a moment to himself. 

Which meant Virgil was alone. 

 

He decided to check on him.

 

As he walked out of his room and towards the living room, he could hear voices in the hallway. 

He spotted Patton and Logan, the latter crying his heard out, telling him things Virgil told him before the other two Sides had arrived. 

Even as Roman had already heard a lot from him when they all had him pinned down, (but those were always directed to all of them, and the way he spoke them didn't come across as if he really meant it. More as if he just tried everything to get free, not really thinking,) this hurt to hear. 

And it seemed to hurt Logan too. 

 

Roman approached the other two figures and looked at their faces. Logan's glasses had been removed by Patton, and the former looked exhausted. Which he completely understood. 

Patton was also tired, but it seemed that he wouldn't sleep for the next few hours. 

Roman stood next to Logan, putting a hand on his shoulder and rubbing circles with his thumb. The teacher had helped them enormously that night, now it was time to return the favour. 

 

The sobs subsided.  
The tears had stopped.  
His breathing evened out. 

 

As Logan pulled away from Patton's embrace, the parent put his glasses back on and gave him a tiny, comforting smile. Logan tried his best to do the same. 

That's when Roman came into play. 

 

'Logan, go to sleep. Now. Patton?' The parent immediately understood and started pushing Logan towards his room. 

'I am not going to sleep, I need to attend to Virgil,' the teacher said, and Roman flinched internally at reminding them of why this had all happened, but he pushed it away. He had a nerd he needed to take care of now. 

 

'No, _we_ are going to look after him. You've been with him more than enough now and you've worked the hardest out of all of us, so I demand you rest your head, even if it's only one minute!' 

The teacher huffed. 'I assure you, I will not be able to sleep tonight. But alright, I'll do that. One minute. Then I am going to attend to Virgil.' 

Roman rolled his eyes while Logan finally gave in and Patton didn't have to push him anymore. 

 

 

Logan didn't change, confident that he would stay awake. As he settled down under the covers, glasses on his nightstand, Roman set a timer on his phone. 

 

One minute. 

 

Logan rolled his eyes and layed his head down on the pillow. 

He closed his eyes, as was one of the rules they had made up just now, and Roman turned on the timer. 

 

A deep exhale was heard from Logan after 14 seconds. 

His shoulders relaxed after 25 seconds. 

At 60 seconds, he was already out. 

 

Patton was thankful for Roman's idea, (he was the creative one, of _course_ his idea would work,) and whispered a "thank you" to the prince as he left the room to make sure Virgil was still where they left him. 

Roman looked at the sleeping figure, making sure that he was comfortable and still asleep. When he was completely sure that Logan was fine, he turned around, turned off the light and walked out. 

 

As he met Patton on the other side of the couch from Virgil, he sighed. He grabbed drinks for him and Patton and put them down on the table, sitting in between the two Sides. 

Tried distracting himself with his phone. 

 

It worked, kind of, until he heard Virgil move. He looked at him, but luckely, he was still asleep. 

Good. He needed that. 

 

He averted his eyes back to his phone when he saw Patton, who had grabbed a tablet by then, put down the device and leave the room for a short moment, only to return with two blankets. 

Roman grabbed one of them and carefully pulled it over Virgil, then turned back to Patton.

 

'You can go to your room if you want, I can look after Virgil,' the father whispered, but the prince shook his head. Patton shrugged. 'I could always try,' he said before motioning Roman to sit down on the couch. The prince obeyed and was given the other blanket.

 

'Sleep,' was the only thing Patton whispered before sending him a soft smile. 

The royal sighed and obeyed, trying to get comfortable. 

He had to admit, he was feeling exhausted. 

 

But even as sleep slowly overtook him, it was extremely difficult to think about something else, _anything else,_ besides Virgil's screams.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _~~With words that I should've said.~~ _


	6. I'm so scared (Words)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some things take long to process. 
> 
> Some things are almost impossible to let go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that this chapter is so short.

Patton was a parent.

 

But not just a parent.

 

No. He was a _overprotective_ parent. His kiddo's meant everything to him.

So when one tried to take his own life, when one almost disappeared out of Patton's, it was like everything inside of Patton crashed. 

There was a blazing wind in him when he first saw Virgil that night, heavy rain when Roman had told him the man had tried to end it all, a storm when he had to keep him pinned down, and the slow fall of snow when he'd left the living room first. 

Now the blazing wind was back, only louder. Not stronger, maybe even weaker this time. 

Just louder.

 

He strolled down the fifth site he'd found; he already had a folder in his browser to make sure he'd always have them at hand. 

He had hoped that the terrible feeling inside his gut, worry he supposed, would stop if he knew what to do. 

Truth be told, it only grew worse. 

 

He looked at the sleeping figures and then into the kitchen. He hadn't stored away the meds yet. 

He quickly finished the job that he'd forgotten to do and took the plastic container with the heavier meds to his room. He put it under his bed and put a couple items in front of it, making sure that Virgil won't find it. 

 

Back into the kitchen, he made himself a cup of coffee. He had to stay awake, no matter what. 

He sat down on the coffee table. He'd normally always tell Virgil not to sit there, but tonight, it didn't matter. 

 

He grabbed his tablet.

Scrolled through another page.

Took a sip of his coffee.

Looked at Virgil.

 

Another page.

Another sip.

Look at Virgil.

 

This went on until he was out of coffee. Should he get another cup? Probably.

After he got more coffee, the cicle continued, until he had to come face to face with the truth.

 

"Signs that someone may be suicidal include   
-Withdrawal from friends and family members.  
-Abrupt change in personality."

 

He stopped there. God, it had been so obvious. If only he could have been there! _~~He started crying again.~~ _

But the site had him covered. It told him that people shouldn't feel guilty, and that you shouldn't dwell on the past, but instead had to move forward.

He tried his best.

He tried his best to not feel guilty.

He looked at the figures on the couch and got back to work.

 

Another page.  
Another sip.  
Look at Virgil.

 

That went on until he heard footsteps from the top of the stairs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _~~As I drown in my regret.~~ _


	7. If only I was (Numb)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Concerned Specs joins Distressed Dad and a Worried Prince decides to pop up as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that this chapter is so short! I always strife to make the chapters longer, but I couldn't get myself to make this chapter any longer for some reason!

The sound of footsteps was heard through the hallway. It was precisely 7:05 so it came to no surprise when a certain logical Side came walking down the stairs. Logan's bruise had not vanished, however, as it was clearly visible for the world to see. Even if Logan had been ashamed of it, there would be no way in this world or the next that he'd admit that.

'Good morning, Patton,' the teacher whispered to the one who had moved to the table an hour ago, making sure he wouldn't wake the two sleeping Sides on the couch. 

'Morning Lo, did'ya sleep well?' It was clear to Logan that Patton was exhausted, which caused Logan to frown. 

'Did you sleep last night?' 

He didn't really need an answer. The tired look in his eyes and the way he was seated made it pretty clear how much sleep the parental figure had gotten; none.

The teacher sighed before the other could even response. Logan pinched the bridge of his nose and looked at the empty cup on the table. 

'That's it, no more coffee for the rest of the day,' he said, though still softly as not to wake the resting Sides. He expected Patton to protest, to try and convince Logan otherwhise, but it didn't happen. Patton just nodded softly as he looked down at the table. That's when Logan noticed the tablet.

'Have you been on that the whole night?' 

No answer.

'Patton,' said Logan, now even more concerned, 'I suggest you go and rest, alright? This behavour isn't healthy.' 

'Well what else can I do?' Patton's voice was raised, but he didn't seem to realise and/or care at this point. 

The teacher sighed. 

'The best thing we can do right now is show our support and listen to him, make sure he doesn't put himself in danger again,' he said softly, still aware of the figures on the couch. He was not aware, though, that one of the figures had already woken up and started walking their way.

'And then? What then, Logan? Hope that something like this won't happen again? I can't lose any of you, I can't!'

'You're sounding like him, Patton,' Roman had now joined the scene and tried to soothe him, but to no avail. He only made it worse. 

**'Don't talk about him like he isn't here!'**

Logan shut up. 

Roman went quiet.

Someone moved on the couch. 

They all turned around to see Virgil covering his ears with his hands, and if they looked closely enough, they could see him shivering from underneath his blanket.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, look, there is our Depressed Bangs, couldn't forget him, could we?


	8. I need an (Antidote)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter for you all! I hope that nothing seems too OOC or anything, and constructive criticism is always welcome!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _"No one knows what goes on up inside my head. There's a new kind of poison and it's starting to spread." (Faith Marie, Antidote)_

When you've just woken up, and the first thing you hear is someone yelling, it causes some people to get a little startled sometimes. 

But if you are the literal embodyment of anxiety, it may get a bit worse than that. 

Which is exactly why Virgil had covered his ears and started shaking as soon as he heard Patton yell in a way that made shivers run down Virgil's spine. 

 

Now he was sitting on the couch, looking at the coffee table. The others had helped him prevent a panic attack as soon as they saw the state he was in.  
He got out of his thoughts as someone carefully took the almost-empty glass of water and put it on the table. He looked up to see Roman smiling at him. 

 

'Should I get us some breakfast?' 

The anxious Side thought for a moment, before shaking his head.

 

The prince frowned.

'You need to eat _something_ at least, or you are not coming off the couch.'

 

....shoot. He needed to go to the bathroom.

 

'So?' 

'Granola bar...'

The prince nodded and turned towards the kitchen. 

 

Logan was sitting at the dinner table. He was looking in Virgil's direction. When Virgil turned to look at him, he could only see confusion and worry, and sympathy if you looked really closely, deeply hidden behind his serious face. Virgil turned around again.

He still felt the teacher's eyes on him, however, even when Roman handed him the granola bar and joined him on the couch.

 

Virgil's discomfort-level only grew as he took small bites of the granola bar. Roman seemed to catch on to his discomfort, and gave the anxious Side more space as he moved to the far end of the couch (though he was already sitting outside of Virgil's personal level), but that didn't do it.

'Something wrong, Verge,' the royal figure asked softly, as the other Side's shoulders were a bit more tense than was usual.

'Logan,' he replied in a whisper, and Roman glanced at the figure sitting at the dinner table. He frowned but quickly understood where the source of his discomfort came from. 

 

'Specs, can you maybe get us some coffee? Oh, and a sandwich for me?' 

The teacher was caught off-guard, but quickly regained his controlled posture. 

'Why should I be the one to do that when you have a perfectly fine pair of legs?'

 

The prince rolled his eyes. 

 

'Because, one: you are closer to it, and two: I asked nicely.'

'Not a good enough reason for me.'

 

Now both Virgil and Roman were getting annoyed at the teacher. Couldn't he _ever_ take a hint? 

'If you don't do it I will ask Patton what he thinks of my drawing of that fantasy forest.' 

 

It took Logan a moment to process what the prince meant by that, but when it clicked, he had a betrayed look on his face.

 

'You wouldn't.'

'I would~' Roman responded, earning a groan from the teacher as he stood up to go to the kitchen. 

He looked back at Virgil and could see that his shoulders were less tense now and he was taking another bite of the granola bar.

'Thanks Roman,' he muttered in between bites, until he finished his food. A couple seconds later, Logan arrived with two cups of coffee and a plate with a sandwich. He handed the plate to the royal and put the cups on the coffee table, moving back to his spot at the table. 

 

Virgil stood up and threw the empty wrapper in the trash can, then moving to the toilet. While he was gone, Patton had entered and made breakfast for Logan and himself (Logan wanted to do it himself but he knows that it calms Patton down to do simple tasks and makes him feel useful). 

 

Virgil was gone for a couple minutes now. No surprise that they all became worried. 

Roman knocked on the bathroom door. 'Is everything alright in there?' 

They heard someone putting something down and then the door was unlocked and opened.

 

Virgil walked out with fresh eyeshadow. 

But they noticed the redness of his eyes straight away.

 

The teacher cleared his throat.

 

'Let's talk.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~~_"I just want to be okay."_ ~~


End file.
